It’s May 2026. I’m 22. It’s been almost 4 years since I started the apprenticeship at 18. The years go quite quickly these days. Christmas happens, then I just see March, May, August, October, and the year is over. Time seems to happen in large chunks. I keep chasing goals that don’t seem to make any progress. I keep living life in a constrained way. Constrained by others, by the world around me, by myself.
22 years old is a fully grown adult. I can’t have another childhood. That’s sad and all to look back on, but when I’m a few years older I’ll look back on my early 20s. The time of my life. And later than that I’ll look back on my whole 20s. Then I’ll look back on how I was before a partner, and when my parents were still around, and when I was still able to do hobbies and exercise.
Time does indeed fly past. I can’t do anything about that. But I’m here, right now, to live it. I still have the pleasure of experiencing it.
All of those names in the graves aren’t as lucky. They are human bodies, just like me, but they can’t go out and see anymore. They can’t go and feel joy, and pain, and satisfaction. There are thousands of them right here with me. But I’m the only body in this entire field that can walk out of here today and go home.
Obviously, I’ll eventually end up here with them. For some years I’ll view my parents’ gravestones, and wish that I spent more time in their presence, and that I gave them more appreciation for their love. Then, it’ll be me that others visit and lay flowers down for. My gravestone will read my name, and my birth date, and maybe a quote that I liked to say. I’m already set in that fate. Life is a means to an end.
If it all comes to an end, then what’s the best thing I can do with it?
I can’t take anything with me once it’s over. No money, no possessions, no people, not even the progress or memories that I obsess over. I won’t be able to watch the impact of any marks I left on the world. I won’t be able to forgive the ones I hurt, or hug the ones I loved.
So the only thing I can really do is exist. I can be alive. I can spend the time I have, because I don’t have any other choice.
I don’t know if I believe in fate, but maybe everyone comes into this world with a purpose. Something that they are meant to do. A way that they are supposed to exist, in which they feel happy, content, proud and valued. I’m sure many never get there. And they never get another chance to. Lots of little decisions over their life compounding to hold them back.
But I’m living my only chance, right now.
Maybe I finally understand the meaning of the quote “do it right the first time”. Because life is truly short. Doing it right doesn’t mean succeeding, it doesn’t mean finding a solution. It just means approaching things in the way that feels right, not the way that everything else in the universe may be pushing you towards.
I want to rewrite the quote.
“Do what feels right the first time.”
Live the way that you know is right. The way that you see in little sparks during the day. The way you imagine as some far-off mirage. If the point of life is to live in that way, then don’t fail it. No one will remember the ways people doubted you. No one will remember the times you failed. It won’t matter. If that’s what it takes to get the only thing out of life that can be gotten, then don’t let anything, any person, any thought, any temptation give you even the slightest hesitation.
Let me bring myself back to reality. The fallen gravestone I saw. That could have been the greatest person to ever walk the earth. And they have ended up a sad, forgotten memory. Don’t live like you expect the future to always be bright. At some point, it turns dark forever. No matter how good you are now, it could all go bad. Being in a good spot isn’t an excuse to stop trying.
And I’m in a good spot right now. A lot is going right. But I still think I’m not fulfilling my purpose. I still feel guilty about how I live. I still brag my successes to others. I still distract myself rather than living out the time I have. I still hold myself back when I’ve “done enough for now” or when I’ll “do that later in life”.
It’s easy to compare myself to others. To think that I’m already doing better than many. But these comparisons mean nothing. Because I’m not on their journey, and they’re not on mine. I should only compare inwards. And when I compare myself to myself, and find that I’m behind, that is where I stand. I have high standards, for a reason.
I need to wrap this up. The cemetery closes soon, and it’s cold, and I’m tired. I already have my visions. I have my progress and my strengths and my weaknesses. But being aware is my next step. Being aware of time will slow it down. Being aware of my habits will make or break them. Being aware of the moments I usually distract myself will help me remember - and by remembering, I can do things right.
As someone who has to suceed to be happy, I don’t have any other choice.
My only option.
Live.
/////
I think about life moving so fast.
But I’m here right now to experience it.
That is the power of being truly present and aware. Time isn’t passing in huge chunks as the subconscious takes over. Time passes in individual seconds. And every single one of them, you’re existing. Sticking to new habits. Thinking of what to do next. Observing. Concentrating on eating, or on speech, or on exercising, and doing them properly.
This is insanely important. My biggest productivity problem - forgetting - can be solved with this.
/////
We need to define what being aware actually is. It’s not just observing the surroundings. It’s having good posture and expression. It’s remembering the things I’m meant to be doing next and later. Etc
/////
“What’s next?”
I always knew this was what I should be doing.
It could be the hallmark of being present and aware.